Muffins Anon
by Flaky Biscuit
Summary: A Lord of the RingsHarry Potter crossover made off of requests, challanges, and the like. Legolas goes on a quest for the Muffin Man and much (power and) chaos ensues.
1. It's a song?

Author's Note: To get the correct effect please read all of Gimli and Pippin's lines in a ridiculously stereotypical Scottish accent.  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own any of these characters (though I am working on purchasing Dominic Monaghan from New Line), they are the property of George Lucas, New Line, and Warner Bros, respectively.  
  
------The Requests------  
  
- Leggy gets a muffin, or doesn't get a muffin, and tries to find the Muffin Man; Draco is my man-whore; I get to sticker Aragorn! (from kkatz)  
  
- R2D2 + C3PO are gay lovers. (from Peggy)  
  
------The Story------  
  
(C3PO, R2D2, Aragorn, the hobbits, and Legolas are sitting in a small New York apartment. Legolas is desperately trying to get out the door, the two hobbits are holding him back as best they can. R2 and 3PO are making out on the couch...do robots make out?!)  
  
Merry:  
  
Aragorn, help! Legolas has lost his mind again!!!  
  
Legolas: (still trying to reach the door)  
  
Let go. Let go, I say! I MUST FIND THE MUFFIN MAN!!!  
  
Sam:  
  
He forgot his pills again, today.  
  
Frodo:  
  
Quick, get The Shot!  
  
Aragorn: (who is currently pondering a sticker on his head that says: Property of kkatz)  
  
Nope, can't. I'm not properly licensed for that sort of thing...besides this little bugger is bugging the hell out of me.  
  
Everyone (except Merry, and maybe Legolas):  
  
Aragorn, why aren't you-MERRY! Give Aragorn's pipe back.  
  
Merry: (looks very sad and bags-under-the-eyes-ish)  
  
Oliver Wood took it. He was mad about being cut from the third Harry Potter movie and wanted to drown his sorrows in...in...say, what's IN that pipe anyway?  
  
(everyone turns to Aragorn)  
  
Aragorn:  
  
Just my medications. You know. Viagra, muffins...and some other stuff.  
  
Legolas:  
  
Muffin?  
  
C3PO:  
  
No, shut up.  
  
Pippin: (looks at Merry)  
  
Hm. That would explain a lot.  
  
Merry:  
  
Yes it would.  
  
Legolas: (suddenly remembering what he was doing before the whole Aragorn's pipe incident occurred)  
  
THE MUFFIN MAN!!! I must find him!  
  
Sam:  
  
No, Legolas, it's just a song!  
  
Will Aragorn ever get his pipe back? Will Legolas ever find this "Muffin Man?" More importantly, will he ever get a muffin? Find out in the next installment of Muffins Anon... 


	2. Legolas, This Is Your Life

Author's Note: A Challenge from Katami, and again, all of Gimli's lines must be read in a ridiculously stereotypical Scottish accent.  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own any of these characters (though I am working on purchasing Dominic Monaghan from New Line), they are the property of New Line, and Warner Bros, respectively.  
  
-------The Challenge-------  
  
Fandom: any  
  
Rating: any  
  
Rules:  
  
- There must be crazed teddy bears and homicidal cheerleaders  
  
- Legolas must FIND the Muffin Man  
  
- A love triangle must develop between Legolas, the Muffin Man, and a  
  
blueberry muffin  
  
- The Easter Bunny must meet an untimely end  
  
- Someone must shout "Holy mother of all frankfurters and fish food. That's HUGE!"  
  
- Little Red Riding Hood must be killed  
  
- Walt Disney must be kidnapped  
  
- There must be a showdown between Nemo (Finding Nemo) and Gollum  
  
-------The Story-------  
  
(Legolas is lying in bed [hey, get your minds out of the gutter! annoying Legolas fangirls...] after happily having stolen Aragorn's pipe from Oliver Wood, so everyone can probably guess what happens next...)  
  
Legolas: (confused, sleepy, and slightly stoned)  
  
What? Where am I? And more importantly, where's Aragorn's pipe?  
  
(suddenly, a man with a gigantic bran muffin on his head appears)  
  
Bran-Muffin-On-Head-Man:  
  
Hello, Legolas. I'm the Muffin Man, but you can call me Tim, and This Is Your Life! (mechanized applause ensues) And now, a word from our sponsor: Cheer Brand Cookies!  
  
Scary Cheerleaders:  
  
Cherries, sugar, apple pie, it's too bad that you must die! Yaaaaay, cookies!! (cheer by A. Smithee)  
  
Tim:  
  
Aaaaaaaaaand were back with self-proclaimed "Elf," Legolas!  
  
Legolas:  
  
But I am an elf.  
  
Tim: (whispering)  
  
Stick with the script, kid.  
  
Legolas: (looking at teleprompter and teddy bears pointing manically to his next line)  
  
Hey, Tim, how about that new book, The Bunny Suicides?  
  
Tim: (holding up a copy)  
  
Yeeeeeeeeees, now you too can own this wonderful book, written by the twisted teddy bears that produce my show!  
  
Legolas: (looking at The Bunny Suicides: Easter Edition)  
  
Aw, look at the cute little Easter Bunny, and the cute little guillotine...wait! That's not cute!! (throws the book away) Hey, I though this show was called This Is MY Life, mine, my own, my Precious!  
  
Tim:  
  
Correct! Now Leggy, don't go Gollum on me-speaking of "going Gollum"...here's a word from our other sponsor: Walt Disney's been kidnapped, and it's up to you to save him in...Super Smash Bros. 3, Rumble in Maushvitz!!!  
  
(Nemo and Gollum appear in an SSB-esque arena and begin the traditional exchange of insults)  
  
Gollum/Smeagol:  
  
Gollum hatessss hobbi-erm, fishessss. No, that's not true, Smeagol loves fishessss-FOR BREAKFAST, MWAHAHAHAHA!! (Gollum/Smeagol, probably Gollum, pulls out a giant frying pan and a loincloth that has "Kiss the Precious" written on it)  
  
Nemo:  
  
Holy mother of all frankfurters and fish food. That's HUGE!  
  
(the two proceed to battle it out WWF-style and, keeping to the WWF theme, Little Red Riding Hood runs in with a chair, trips over her "Riding Hood," falls off a conveniently placed cliff, and dies. We are all sad...well, not really...)  
  
Tim:  
  
Wow, that was INTENSE, and now for commercials-  
  
Legolas:  
  
No, no commercials! Stop cutting to commercials, THIS SHOW IS ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Tim:  
  
Oh, right. Who are you again?  
  
Legolas:  
  
Ahhhhhhhhh!  
  
Tim:  
  
Just playing with you, Leggy. Have a muffin. (hands Legolas a blueberry muffin)  
  
Legolas:  
  
Muffin!  
  
Author:  
  
Stupid plot-defying characters.  
  
Tim:  
  
Now this is the moment we've all been waiting for: Let's see if you recognize this voice from your past...  
  
Mysterious Voice: (conveniently, in a Scottish accent)  
  
Ach, Legolas, remember me? We did those 3 movies together, they won 11 Oscars, I played the dwarf.  
  
Legolas:  
  
Uhh...Mini Me?  
  
"Mysterious" Voice:  
  
Ach, you stupid git! It's me, Gimli!!  
  
Legolas:  
  
Ooh, ooh! I know it's-  
  
(commercial break, enter the dancing penguins)  
  
Legolas:  
  
It's Haldir! Remember Haldir; he got killed off in the second movie, he had like 3 lines.  
  
Gimli: (runs up and attempts to assassinate Legolas with his axe, while the audience [consisting mostly of teddy bears] yells "Jerry, Jerry!")  
  
(TV screen goes blank with that annoying bleepy sound for a few minutes)  
  
Tim: (is slightly worse for the wear, and has a giant bite out of his muffin/hat)  
  
Well, glad that's over. Now, Leggy, I must admit that I've fallen madly in live with you in these few short minutes that we've been together, so I'll give you a choice here on For Love or Money!  
  
Legolas:  
  
Hey, I thought this was-  
  
Tim:  
  
Shut up. Your choices are:  
  
a) Chose love, and you an I will be whisked off to a Caribbean resort to become the next San Francisco wedding cake...  
  
OR  
  
b) Chose money, and you will receive $1,000,000 in cash (providing you can get it out of here without being mugged by the teddy bears)!  
  
Legolas, what is your final decision?  
  
Legolas: (holding up the muffin he was given earlier and looking back and forth from muffin to Tim, muffin to Tim, muffin to Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim, muffin, Tim-Dizzy yet? Good.)  
  
I'm sorry, Tim, but my heart belongs to my muffin. Goodbye, Tim.  
  
(Legolas walks away "Here's lookin' at you, kid"-style)  
  
Tim:  
  
Nooooooooooooooooo, Legolaaaaaaaaaas!!!  
  
(Legolas wakes up)  
  
Legolas:  
  
Whoa, that's the last time I smoke Aragorn's pipe before going to bed. Wait a minute, WHERE'S MY MUFFIN?! Curse you, plot device-utilizing Author!!!  
  
Author:  
  
Same to you, Leggy. Hehe.  
  
Who else will discover the dangerous teddy bear-ridden side-effects of Aragorn's pipe? Will the nasty Author ever let Legolas have his muffin and eat it too? Find out in the next installment of Muffins Anon... 


End file.
